Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
