I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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