Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
