im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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