one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
