I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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