my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
