when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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