When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This baby is an asshole
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
