when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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