I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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