I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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