im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I could make wine with my vomit
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
