u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize