Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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