Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
