I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
