This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
