I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
