Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
