nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
