I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
