uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
