Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
