I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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