I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize