he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
