So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize