every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
