tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
