Just cropdusted the office
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
