do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I touched a dick in church today
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
