Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
