dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
