What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
