I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
