if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
