And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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