I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
