I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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