did you get engaged???
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
