I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
