I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
