I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
