Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
