it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
