the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
