Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
