You made me cry and you don't even care
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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