I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
