I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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