even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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