the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
