I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
this boner is exhausting
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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