I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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