I'm laying in your front yard are you home
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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