I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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