I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
