I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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