dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
