Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Alive.
So much puke
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
