so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
