I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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